Creepy Christmas Songs: An Ode to the Most Disturbing Part of the Holidays

Now maybe this is just paranoia, but if you listen close enough, these songs will leave you questioning the innocence of the holiday season.

Baby It’s Cold Outside:

“Say, what’s in this drink?” Is that a joke? Seriously, this is the kind of stuff we’re warned about in health class. And it gets worse. Here are some actual lyrics: “My sister will be suspicious – Man, your lips look so delicious. 
My brother will be there at the door – Waves upon a tropical shore. 
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious – Gosh your lips look delicious.”

Jingle Bells:

The original carol was written in 1944. It’s the same song we sing today, except for one very interesting verse:

A day or two ago

I thought I’d take a ride

And soon Miss Fanny Bright

Was seated by my side

The horse was lean and lank

Misfortune seemed his lot

We got into a drifted bank

And then we got upsot

They don’t even try to hide it. The couple “accidentally” gets stuck in a bank, taking the perfect opportunity to have some alone time. This carol was written in the midst of WWII, when men could be shipped off to fight any day of the week. Well hey–might as well impregnate someone before heading off to war. Also, I’m sorry to whoever was unfortunate enough to be named FANNY.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town:

Nothing says “stalker” like a strange bearded man creeping on you 24/7. The subject of this carol has terrified my peers and I for a long time. The entire song is a threat. You screw up one time–ONE TIME–and you’re on the naughty list. The lyrics are creepy enough, but these would probably be more accurate:

You better watch out

And hide in a hole

The true face of Christmas?

He’ll reach down your throat

And swallow your soul

Santa Claus is coming to town

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus:I don’t even want to BEGIN on this one, but for the sake of all this disturbing material, I must. It’s hard to imagine anything more childhood-ruining than seeing your own mother kiss an old fat guy. And that old fat guy happens to be the symbol of Christmas spirit. Just imagine if dad walked in on them. It sounds like a traumatizing flashback, not a Christmas song. This tune is about as heartwarming as a train wreck.
–Grayson Kennedy, Staff Writer
Posted by on December 17, 2012. Filed under Just 4 Fun. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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