Prom: A Guide for Men

Wyett Dalton clearly read our guide.

Wyett Dalton clearly read our guide.

From mid-March to early May, high school boys across the nation will wrack the darkest crevices of their brains for an original way to ask their preferred target to prom. Through corny pickup lines, incredible feats of strength, impressive acts of dexterity, and degrading acts of cuteness, SLS boys will attempt to woo their mystifying and enigmatic counterparts. The process of finding a date for prom can be more stressful than the SATs, ACTs and March exams combined, requiring incredible concentration, ingenuity and fortitude. The Sentinel, being an altruistic and benevolent organization here on the Hilltop, will offer its readers advice on navigating the muddy waters of prom season.

How to choose your date:

1. Pick someone you have actually talked to before; anything in common is a start.

2. Take advantage of mutual classes: it takes .2 seconds for true love to strike; they will have had 6 months in your presence. If they haven’t hurled yet, they probably love you.

3. Select a photogenic acquaintance. The most important part of prom is the photos, so pick someone who will look good. Having fun doesn’t matter.

4. Easter special on redheads this weekend!

How to ask your date:

1. Use Snapchat: if she says no, she has no visual proof that it ever happened and you can deny the whole situation.

2. Put it in the Flik menu: when she’s hungry for food she’s definitely hungry for love. “Chicken Goulash with a side of Jessica will you go to prom with me?”

3. Get a tattoo of her name across your chest. Love is everlasting–and so is ink.

4. Be John Cusack (or James Burwick). She can’t say no to this:

Follow these suggestions, and you are sure to find a date for prom. This is one of the few decisions you have control over in high school, so make it count. You are the solitary fisherman; whether you’re after a freshwater trout, a clownfish, or a minnow, you choose where to cast your net. Remember to be confident, genuine and most importantly not your normal self. Happy fishing and may the odds be ever in your favor.

–Will Bloomer and Robert Powis, Staff Writers

Posted by on April 3, 2013. Filed under School News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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