Movie Review: “Sinister”

A scary suburban house, a mysterious box of murder films, a masked killer, Pretzel M&Ms: what could make for a scarier movie experience, you may ask? It was all based on a true story.

Just kidding.

If Sinister was based on real events, the Sentinel staff would be spending the majority of our time boarding up the non-bulletproof glass walls of our meeting space and stocking up on supplies stolen from FLIK’s storeroom. There is nothing hyperbolic about it: Sinister is freakin’ terrifying — not “finding a spider in your shoe” kind of terrifying, but “finding out that the spider has just tied up and eaten your family and has been waiting for you to come home” kind of terrifying. (Also the spider is just a baby and the mother is in your bed and all of this is happening after you went to school naked and called the teacher “mom.”)

The terrifying promotional poster for Sinister.

Now multiply that by a thousand. The result is a frightening psychological thrill ride that will make you never want to go outside at night EVER again. In short, the result is Sinister.

It is very difficult to follow the plotline of the film from the vantage point of being huddled over the seat in front of you praying that it will stop being nighttime and the protagonists will stop going into the attic, but here is what I was able to determine through my tears: Sinister chronicles the life of a down-on-his-luck, non-fiction mystery writer and his family, who, unbeknownst to the writer’s annoying Australian wife, have moved into a house where a family was hung from a tree.

The writer has previously published a novel about notable unsolved crimes and in doing so has alienated the police, whom he constantly fears calling even when there is overwhelming evidence that there is a masked killer in his house.

Wishing to finally pen the bestseller that will get him and his family out of a murder-house and into any place safer (such as a meth lab or the tiger cage at the zoo), the protagonist continues to delve deeper into the mystery of the past inhabitants of the house. The movie then proceeds into cliché, as the character’s investigation soon leads to him being a target himself. The plot continues on with some scary pop-out or what-are-you-doing-with-that-lawn-mower moments added, just in case any of the audience members were planning on sleeping at all for the next couple weeks.

In conclusion, those animated dancing popcorn bags and jubilant soda cups who say that “the movies are great for families, bring your kids” are dirty liars. If you ever want to be able to walk past a bush or around a corner without cringing in fear, then please don’t see this movie. You have been warned.

— Ian Corbet, Just 4 Fun Correspondent

Posted by on October 23, 2012. Filed under Arts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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